How to shit

2 May

I need a new word!

English language has no neutral word for shit, my main field of research. All are either clinical, vulgar, slangish, or baby talk: BM, crap, defecate, discharge, excrement, expurgate, evacuate, faeces, poop, secretion, stool, ca-ca…

Shit!

Pingvin

We take a shit – or rather leave it – every day. Or at least we wish we would. Still, talking about shit is obscenity. To me this is a clear sign of dungmatism.

I always wished someone would cut the crap and speak out on our collective shitzophrenia. Since nobody else did it so far, I guess it will have  to be me

We are repulsed by shit from our anus, while naively swallowing the shit that is smeared all over mass media. We evade any touch with feces while filling our home with all kinds of shit. Our minds are filled with futile, vain, nonsensical mental diarrhea.

We don’t want to have anything to do with our own shit. We dump it into toilet and flush it away and we’re done with it once and for all. We don’t give a shit about shit!

Ultimately we become estranged from the elementary act of defecation, unable to shit as a normal human being.

Globally, the total value of wasted resources and health-care expenses, related to our perverted shitting culture is gargantuan.

I am not the first to say this: one of the biggest blunders of humanity is water toilet. Where I am the first is in pulling all the threads together and creating a science about shit, called fecology.

It is not only about what happens to the faecal matter and urine after we excrete them, it is about how we do it: in what bodily posture, in what emotional state, in what social context. Fecology brings shit to the surface of absolutely every branch of science, culture and art: psychology, sociology, ethnology, ecology, biology, chemistry, history, geography, philosophy, religion, fashion, economy of shit. But first and foremost fecology is about elementary well-being and plainest possible common sense.

Fekoloska

The shitual

We turned the simple act of defecation into a semi-religious ritual, a series of procedures and protocols, covered by dozens of layers of abnegation. This is how it is generally done:

First you approach the door of the toilet, cautiously but not too quietly. You wouldn’t want to startle somebody in the middle of a turd. You don’t want to be responsible for the mess! From a distance you whistle, cough, hum as a warning signal.

When you are certain the toilet is vacant, you step inside and lock the door. You have to lock the door! You wouldn’t want someone to actually see you taking a shit. The click of the knob is bad enough, startling you in the middle of the turd. Having to face another human being amidst this would scare the shit out of you. Or, even worse, incur a week long constipation.

Now that the door is looked you check the state of the toilet. How clean is the seat, is there anything to read, is there enough toilet paper … There is hardly anything as traumatic in life as taking a shit in a public toilet and then only discovering toilet paper had ran out!

Once you’ve checked all the items on your list you pull down your pants or skirt and sit down. You position your buttocks carefully. You wouldn’t want water to splash on your ass when the first, and usually the biggest turd drops.

You pick up some reading material and relax. It is important to relax. But relaxation doesn’t come automatically! Some toilets are better, some worse. The best toilet is a solitary toilet. You know there’s nobody outside. You won’t be disturbed, you can take all the time in the world, you don’t need to worry about the noise.

It is best to avoid loud farting in the public toilet, unless you like scornful looks and tense silence at the sinks. You may fart at will at home.

Thus you’ve completed the start-up procedure. Now you may begin with the actual defecation.

You start to push the turd out of your rectum. It’s not always easy. Sometimes you have to make an effort and push! You contract abdominal muscles, chest muscles, throat muscles, facial muscles. You can even feel the scalp contract.

Then you sigh … The turd is out!

Once the first turd is gone you repeat the procedure with the rest of them.

That’s when the time comes to wipe your ass. You make a lump of toilet paper and position it accurately on your palm. You wouldn’t want any shit to touch your skin. Ever!

So you wipe. There are a hundred ways of wiping the ass. You know best what your favourite stroke is and how much toilet paper you prefer. Lavish people roll the paper around their hand, wipe, then roll it again, wipe etc. Ecologists take a single tissue, wipe, fold it, wipe, fold it, wipe, fold it … until it is to small to fit on a finger.

As you complete the second stage of the shitual, you move to the last one: getting rid of all the evidence.

You stand up, pull up your trousers or skirt and look into the toilet bowl. You have to look to make sure there are no suspicious items there.

If you see anything strange you’ll have something to talk about at dinner: “You know, honey, today my turd was violet-green, ice-cream textured and the shape of Scandinavia. And it floated like cork; It took me five minutes to get it down the tube!”

(Why would anyone get upset by such talks at dinner table?)

You flush the toilet, soothed by the sound signifying completion. This is the moment to allow yourself a final fart, cough, sneeze, belch or simply pulling up the zip.

You have to hurry up, though! There’s shit smeared all over the toilet bowl and you wouldn’t want all the water to run off before you clean the mess. You grab the toilet brush and scrub away every trace.

You despise people who leave their shit all over the toilet bowl! Particularly if you are a woman. Particularly if you are the one cleaning that shit after others. One of the surest signs of cultural immaturity is disregard for toilet cleanliness!

MeanwhileIndia2

You put away the brush, leaving the toilet seat up if you are a man or putting it down if you are woman. The position of the toilet seat while no one is occupying the toilet is critical! You certainly don’t want any extra effort next time you rush in for a pee!

Why are you always leaving the toilet seat up!?” yells she.

Why are you always leaving the toilet seat down!?” complains he.

In the public toilet you don’t need to bother with the seat, you share it only with your own gender. In the public toilet there are other things to worry about …

Before you unlock the door and open it to leave the toilet you have to get ready. You check your clothes, shoes, hair and make sure everything is neat. You put up a smug face and swiftly move to one of the sinks. You avoid looking anyone in the eye. No talking either! Talking to a stranger after you’ve taken a shit is just too embarrassing!

Before you leave you have to wash your hands. After you’ve taken a shit you want to wash them really well, even though you made sure not to touch, well, pretty much anything in and around the toilet – even touching the door knob is uncomfortable. It had potentially been touched by careless mindless filthy people, handicapped by the absence of toilet paranoia.

When you go to wash your hands you face another potentially traumatic experience: the soap or paper towels had ran out!

Well, somehow or other you manage. And once your hands are finally clean and dry you can walk out of the toilet feeling relieved. The stress is over!

Or maybe not. Maybe two hours later your new date will blurt: “Hey, your fly …”

She doesn’t even need to finish the sentence. You get it immediately! It takes you fifteen minutes to reconstruct last two hours of your life: God knows how many people saw you with the open fly!

You’ll go to bed pondering this question. You’ll think about it the first thing in the morning. You’ll be checking your zip every five minutes all day long. You will connect any unusual facial expression of people you meet, especially if you partied with them last night, with the open fly. Especially if you recall them bursting into laughter for no particular reason.

It’s crazy how disproportional our shame is when it comes to anything related to anus and genitals. If you want to be seen as really dense do try to strike a conversation about your friend’s foreskin inflammation, the size of your wife’s labia, your husband’s freshly shaven balls, a lump of pubic hairs you found under the bed, and of course, the colour and consistency of your recent turd.

Try it and you’ll see you can’t do it without either fooling around with the topic, speaking in complex terms like a doctor, or as if you were trying to explain something to a child.

We have no problem talking seriously about bombs falling, children’s dead bodies smeared on the pavement, rioting vandals beating old people with baseball bats. However, we are disgusted by someone talking about shit falling, liquid diarrhoea smeared on the pavement, an artist creating a painting with his own secretions.

Secrecy, dogmatism and taboos bring religious undertones to the simple act of taking a shit. It actually resembles a solitary confession. Nobody listens to you inside the toilet, but you’re just as uncomfortable and with the same sense of getting relieved of something unseemly.

You need a unique, sacral room to do it. The room has to be equipped with complex paraphernalia. There is a particular sequence to the shitual. You feel lighter when you leave the room. You never talk about it afterwards—whatever happens in the cacanfession room, stays in cacanfession room.

Now that we got to the bottom of religious side of the shitual and understood shit is guilt and defecation is confession, let’s take a closer look at the complicated toilet set-up we seemingly can’t do without.

vrhunac karijere

Fecophernalia

Here is a quicklist list of industries necessary for civilised shitting:

  • construction industry that builds the apartments and houses and sets the standard for a typical bathroom

  • ceramics industry for toilet bowls, tiles and wash basins

  • metal, plastic and wood industries for pipes, tubes, tanks, boxes, hangers, doors, locks, shelves, drawers and all the packaging they come in

  • paper industry for more packaging and, understandably, toilet paper (and that tube in the middle)

  • glass industry for windows, mirrors, lamps, bulbs

  • chemical industry for cleansing agents, disinfectants, detergents and deodorants

  • textile industry for towels, curtains and floor mats

  • plumbing and water supply industry so you could always flush away whatever flushable filth you produce

  • electric industry so you wouldn’t have to shit in the dark and feel even more uncomfortable than you already do

And these are only the basics!

If you are progressive, you might want to install hyper-modern toilet seat that automatically washes and wipes you bottom. You’ll be able to set the water temperature with a press of a button. It will analyse your urine and stool and suggest appropriate diet. It will have speakers attached so you could pick the music suitable for the event.

People hardly ever question the sanity of defecating above a ceramic bowl full of drinking water, wiping the ass with fluffy, bleached, scented paper tissue and flushing it all away with a whole lot more drinking water. Even if they do question it they are not sure how they could actually change anything. The system is set up, there’s nothing they can do.

Is it really so?

If I know something, I know that most people need external motivation to do anything and money is the universal driver.

vozilo za preseravanje

Feconomy

Shitting is in no way cheap!

Total expense of everything you’ve conditioned yourself to having in order to shit is gigantic. Add it all up and then divide it with the number of people in your household over a period of, say, 20 years, and you’ll see, even if you live in a modest household, one shitting costs you at least €0.50!

If you’re living in a rented apartment remember how precious private toilet is! A decent toilet and bathroom raise the price considerably. They are also the most expensive to build per square metre. Decide for yourself what percentage of the total rent constitutes for you the part that covers the toilet; then add all the monthly expenses, and divide the amount with the number of times you actually use the toilet.

You got the number? It’s shocking, isn’t it?

That’s not the end of the matter, though!

A study from 2010 estimated that the value of human urine and feces, were it appropriately used as fertilizer, is 10 $US / person / year. However the increased maize yield from using this amount of fertilizer is estimated to 50 $US. What is the population of your country? How many millions are you wasting every year?

One of the most shocking facts about modern toilets is the amount of wasted drinking water. You could almost fill a bathtub every day just with the water you flush down the toilet. In a city of a million, 30 Olympic pools of water are flushed down the toilets every day.

Let’s add all medical costs which are directly and indirectly resulting from unnatural defecation. Exact assessment of total cost is difficult, as sitting down instead of squatting down to defecate comes with extremely diverse consequences: bad digestion, constipation, colon cancer, haemorrhoids, blood pressure irregularities, complications at childbirth, prostate problems, appendicitis, deformation of abdominal and pelvic muscles, diverticulitis, incontinence, inflexibility … the list could go on and on.

According to my rough estimation we waste approximately $600 per person each year just so we could shit and piss in the socially widely accepted manner.

We’ve been lured into buying things that ultimately waste our time and money, waste our faeces and urine, waste water, waste paper and thus trees, poison the environment, hurt communities, destroy health.

Slide14

Let’s do this shit right!

There’s many ways I could take up the right way to shit. I’ll begin with the body.

Let me phrase this as plainly as possible: when you sit down to defecate, you are hurting your body! You should be squatting.

This is what happens when you squat:

  • the rectum unbends

  • the muscle that holds the shit back relaxes

  • the muscle at the end of the small intestine closes

  • your thighs give support to your stomach (no need to push!)

When you sit down:

  • the rectum stays bent

  • the muscle that holds the shit creates an obstruction

  • the muscle at the end of the small intestine stays open

  • the stomach is loose

That’s why you have to put so much effort to push the turds out. You know the “Nnnnnnn!!” that goes with pushing the poop from the rectum? If you shit in squatting position there is no need for the strain. Sitting defecation doesn’t stimulate bowel movement.

Thighs support your stomach while you shit in squatting position. You don’t need to groan, hold your breath, and push out the shit forcefully. Rhythmical changes of pressure in the lungs stimulate peristalsis.

D566_PlayaMaderasNaraCepiWC

On TV, the commercial says that 8 out of 10 people suffer from hemorrhoids. Does this mean the other 2 people enjoy them?
— Unknown author

A farmer from Croatia summed up fecology succinctly: “You know what the problem of you, civilised people is? You shit only with your ass! You should be doing it with your entire body.”

A large percentage of the world’s population doesn’t need this book. They still shit naturally – squatting down and thus with their entire body.

Then there are those few lame-assed over-cultured western assholes with physical flexibility of a Vietnamese pig. Some of them have a hard time even passing through the door, turning around and positioning their immense buttocks on the toilet seat. Looking at them you can’t help yourself but wonder: “How do they wipe their ass? Can they even reach it? Can they find it?”

This article is certainly not for them! It is for every relatively healthy person, flexible enough to squat down and stay it the squatting position for a few minutes at least somewhat relaxed. It is also for everybody who is willing to work out and get flexible enough to be able to squat for a few minutes and be relaxed.

But, is bodily posture really that important?!

Well, research shows colon diseases are practically unknown in regions where people squat on the toilet, although eating habits in such regions vary greatly. This indicates how important bodily posture during defecation really is.

But let me stop wasting any more paper explaining the shitty side of the stick, let’s talk about the clean side of it.

Applied fecology

1. Learn to squat and breathe properly

Do the following exercise: squat with soles of your feet laying flat on the ground and your knees close to your armpits. If you feel the gravity pulling you back, lean gently on a wall, or put something under your heels, or stand on a slightly inclined surface. Breathe in deeply with diaphragm (abdomen) and without straining any muscles (except the throat) hold your breath for as long as you comfortably can. Pay attention to your bowels as you do it. Sometimes a single breath like that is enough to release the stool.

Then breathe out as much air as you comfortably can and pull in your stomach. Then don’t breathe in! Hold the breath (with your lungs emptied!) for as long as you comfortably can. Repeat the breathing in and holding the breath, then breathing out and holding the breath, etc.

Another breathing exercise for easier evacuation is breathing in with abdomen but then not holding the breath; you start to breathe out right away—as slowly as you can! The prolonged exhalation is achieved by pressing the lips together, relaxing your cheeks to inflate and slowly letting the air flow between the lips. In the end you pull your stomach in and exhale the remaining air. Then you inhale again and breath out slowly again with your lips controlling the flow of the air.

Try out both of these exercises and use the one that suits you better.

I’ve noticed something in many years of practice: hard stool is usually released along with the act of breathing in, or in the beginning of exhalation, while soft stool is released towards the end of the exhalation. Observe how breath and evacuation are closely connected.

If you do these exercises in squatting position outside of the toilet, it is better to ensure the toilet is vacant, for there is a very real possibility that after five to ten breaths you will have to go. Try to make it a habit to do this exercise each time you go to the toilet. The stool will come out solely from the pressure of your breathing, without any effort of the abdominal and pelvic muscles.

The result will be the same as when you squeeze the toothpaste from the tube properly: you remove the cap and start pressing the tube at the other end. The pressure is carried over to the opening and the paste flows out.

Sitting evacuation is like partially unscrewing the cap, grabbing the tube and squeezing it strongly without distributing the pressure. The paste trickles from under the cap as pressure deforms the tube. Cracks appear and the paste begins to leak where it isn’t supposed to.

2. Learn to squat on the edge of the regular toilet

If you don’t have any problems with squatting on the floor, you can try to squat on the toilet. As chair-like toilets are generally everywhere, this is the most universal solution.

First press the toilet seat strongly with your hands to check whether it is fixed to the floor or the wall firmly enough. Otherwise it might tip over and break. Check also how firm the toilet seat is and decide, whether you will squat on the seat or on the open toilet.

From this point on you will need a bit of skill and practice. When stepping on the toilet and squatting on it you may lean on a tub, washbowl, washing machine… you may bring a chair to the toilet. Be careful to exert pressure on the toilet evenly to avoid gradually loosening the screws that keep it attached to the floor or the wall.

This is the best way to step on the toilet evenly: sit on the toilet (seat) and lean on the toilet with your right hand just behind your hip. Rise your buttocks a bit but keep the hand on the toilet seat. Rise your left foot and carefully set it on the left front side of the toilet. Carefully transfer the weight of your body from the right foot evenly to the left foot and the right hand. Rise the right foot and set it on the right front side of the toilet seat. Transfer the weight from the right arm to the right foot.

You can, of course, switch left and right if it makes it easier. And right in the beginning don’t forget to pull down your pants!

3. buy or make devices to make squatting on the toilet easier

If you can’t squat on the toilet you can equip your toilet with various stools. You can find on the internet many different patents that serve to make squatting on regular toilets more comfortable: footstools with handles, semicircular stands that embrace the toilet and widen the standing surface, raised platforms with hole in the middle etc.

In case of serious diseases and injuries that disable you from squatting don’t hesitate to talk to your doctor or physiotherapist. Maybe you’ll find a way around it together.

WCkaka

Personal experiences

I squat on the toilet since 1992. to sit on it the toilet has to be critically rickety. I go to the toilet every day, I empty the bowels completely, I do it quickly; I haven’t had constipation in years.

By adopting the habit to squat on the toilet, I made a seemingly small investment in my health, but 20 years later I see how it is adding up to very tangible benefits. When people ask me do I know this for sure, I like to say: “Let’s talk in 20 years, that’s when I’ll know for sure!”

For general health of the intestines and consequently the entire body it is beneficial, along with squatting defecation, to adopt appropriate diet (enough fibres, less refined food etc.), occasional fasting, good drinking water and air, reducing bad habits (smoking, drinking, snacking etc.), regular exercise, peaceful rest. Each bit contributes to the improvement or deterioration of the state of the body.

Other useful habits

I will particularly stress some useful habits that are closely connected to defecation. If you find any of them radical, please note, the problem are our cultural conditionings and all the prejudices that were pumped into our heads, and of course our laziness.

  • after defecation it is better to wash the anus with cold (or luke warm) water than to wipe it with paper; besides health benefits there are also hygienic and ecological advantages in this; on a meadow or in woods you can wipe your anus with a lump of dry grass, with fresh or dry leaves, with moss covered stones, pieces of bark etc.

  • men should try to urinate as often as possible in squatting position (or at least sitting down), and avoid doing it standing up; housewives will be glad, since there won’t be urine drops around the toilet any more

  • after a big meal it is good to lye down for ten to fifteen minutes on your left side and take a short walk

  • it is good to shake the body a few times a week; dance, play games, do sports that involve jumping or hopping, use a trampoline; if you take walks regularly, add at least a few steps of running or jumping

I am living on the edge of a forest and my toilet is very simple but functional. I squat on two planks above a bucket. I cover the bucket with a tight fitting lid. I collect only my faeces in the bucket, urine flows down a funnel and a tube into a vat. I dilute the collected urine and use it to fertilise the plants in the garden.

When the bucket gets full I put the contents on the compost heap. I make sure the composting process completes properly and let the compost rest for a year or so mixed with organic waste. I use the final humus as fertilizer.

How to survive in nature—without toilet paper

Not using toilet paper is no renunciation. Actually using exclusively toilet paper impoverishes human spirit and dulls creativity. To have an abundant life you don’t need a golden toilet seat and silky napkins, all you need is an adventurous spirit, a bit of courage and some readiness to embrace variety

Here are some of my favorites (old cloth, maize leaves / hairs, lumps of grass, bushtree etc.):

Slide13

I know people don’t change that easily. Toilet paper will remain the only option for the majority of Westerners in the civilization without the elementary imagination, in the civilization that uses life to wipe its excrement, and flushes it all together into the veins of mother Earth.

Toilet paper is a symbol of the civilization that exchanged definite joy for seeming comfort, genuine authenticity for conventional repetition, Faunian simplicity for Dionysian debauchery. There’s hardly anything we can do with full presence of consciousness. All our actions are just as incidental as wiping our bottom.

But if you begin at the bottom and contemplate that mere action, if you become deeply aware of it, you will feel the effects in all spheres of your life—be it health, ecology, creativity or social issues. And most importantly: it will be fun!

It seems to me our children should first be taught to enjoy, and only then to write, count and work. Without the ability to enjoy it is difficult to feel the difference between affluence and poverty and it is difficult to really know what is good and what is bad. And worst of all: if you don’t know how to enjoy, you won’t care to make an effort.

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One Response to “How to shit”

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  1. Comment chier (how to shit) | My Trail to San Francisco - June 12, 2017

    […] traduis ici un article tiré de son blog sur la question des toilettes modernes et l’acte de la défécation. Dans un style différent du […]

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